These Worthless Friends Of Mine
"You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: “He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us”? But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you."
In short, I have played the harlot.
Every moment I've traipsed into idolatry, I've slapped the face of God. These are no small things, these small gestures of disinterest, forgetfulness, and lukewarm laziness.
What are these friends I have made? They are not of God. They are worldly affairs, earthly goods and riches, advantages and pleasures. They are nothing, and yet slowly they became my everything. Though they are hollow and frail and fleeting, that did not stop me from desiring them, from being seduced away from an ever-present desire to make Christ the forefront of my affection.
How much worse than worthless are they? How much more sickening than casual acquiescence?
How much I hate these friends of mine.
The endless hours of destruction I let play inside my head. The scrolling and laughing and sharing reels with friends. How innocuous, you would think, how immune to sin. Oh no, my heart - for what do you do with a friend? A friend you share your time with, your heart with, your thoughts. You mesh your life with theirs and choose to be with them rather than not. So where I've spent my time, when not with or for my Lord, right there is where I've decided to be an enemy of God.
I could argue this is extreme. But how has it changed my life? How many moments and hours and days have I been placed upon this earth only to squander anything and everything I've been given, down to the very breath I breathe. Is there balance to be found? Certainly. But I don't want balance until I've exhausted every effort towards the upward call of God.
My Lord, my God, and yet you have not forsaken me. And yet you have not given me up. To think my Savior was tormented by wrath so that I could waste time unpunished. To think my Lord was punished so that my friendship with worthless things could be forgiven.
Oh my God, help me.
May I hate anything that draws me away from you. May you fix my affections on your face. I ask you for grace first and foremost, for I know I can have nothing without it. Oh Lord, make me humble, for you oppose the proud. I do not think my heart is prideful here and now, but search me and know me and lead me in the way everlasting.
How you have yearned for me, and how I have ignored you! If my joy was solely based on my performance, how wrecked I would be in this moment. But though I am tempted, I cling to your promises, though trembling, and force myself to believe.
I force myself to believe that as I draw near to you, you will willingly and joyfully draw near to me. You actually want me near, this harlot you have saved. You have been jealous for me and of worthless things as they've drawn my attention from you. You have actually given them a second thought, while I gave them a third, a fourth, and so on.
How much I deserve to be left in the dust that I choose, the muck that I have craved. May I crave it no more! Put new taste buds in me, Oh lord. Make me want it not. These "friends" that I have made? I hate them. May I hate them as much in deed as in thought.
How can I thank you enough for loving me like this?
I do not understand you, but I am absolutely in love with you.
Make it more so.
I ask these things in Jesus' name.
Amen
